


Dear Heidi Hansen

by BialyLis



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Boys In Love, Fluff and Humor, Heidi is a cool mom, Light Angst, M/M, Mention of Suicide Attempt, Mother-Son Relationship, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Treebros, she tries REALLY hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-11 22:08:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20553458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BialyLis/pseuds/BialyLis
Summary: Heidi found out Evan has a boyfriend.She's in shock."Evan mumbled something that could have been everything, but certainly not "Thank you mom for telling me this, I feel more confident with my sexuality now. Maybe you would like to officially meet my boyfriend?"And then he reached for a glass of juice and, without looking at his mother, started slurping as slowly as possible.Heidi pursed her lips. She raised a damn coward."





	1. Her little boy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alwerakoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwerakoo/gifts).

Heidi liked to think of herself as a good mother. Not perfect of course, but quite good, especially considering that over the past few years no one has helped in exercising parental responsibility. Yes, she made some mistakes, some quite serious, but she was always ready to admit it and do everything to clean the mess. She also liked to believe that her son knows it very well and won't throw every bad thing in her face in near or far future. Sometimes she didn't have as much time for him as she wanted (and should), sometimes she depended too much on the knowledge read in the guides, sometimes - she had to admit - she just didn't understand. Sometimes it just didn't work. But she loved Evan more than anything in the world and she tried everything to never let him forgot about it.

That's why, when she pulled out a pack of condoms from under Evan's bed, not only all her mother's instincts gets on, but she also felt really wounded. It wouldn't be that much of a problem, if a pack was intact. Heidi could just convince herself that it's a part of school's health classes about safety and everything that teenagers definitely shouldn't know only from internet. Heidi would sign the project with both hands because God knows that last time she tried to talk to Evan about puberty, he then hide from her for a good week. And it took him a month to meet her eyes again.

But the pack was open, half empty, and it seemed to laugh straight in Heidi's face.

She sat heavily on the edge of the bed, staring blindly at the wall. Evan had sex. Her boy, who still preferred to sit hungry rather than order food, because he was stressed by talking to the supplier. About which Heidi heard year after year that he was a smart, nice boy, but completely incapable of working in a group. Which seems absolutely terrified every time a seller asks if he can helps him.

Evan who doesn't said even a word about having a girlfriend.

She took a deep breath and looked at the square cardboard box again.

Objectively, it's good that he use protections. Very good. Very responsibly but God Heidi used it too and still got pregnant before leaving school. Of course, Evan wasn't in danger of pregnancy, thank God. But the life of a minor father with a compulsory father also wasn't simple and pleasant. Especially the one who doesn't get into the damn truck and doesn't escape to another state. She had no doubt that Evan would never do such a thing in his life. Evan would be sensible and supportive and terrified and lost and bound to the end of his life with some girl Heidi didn't even know because hey, apparently that's what modern youth do. Who knows, maybe he plans to present her in a year, maybe in two years, maybe after college, or generally why limit yourself, if you can just send a wedding invitation and have the whole burden with your head, right?

Is it bad that she's hurt so bad? After all, she didn't expect much: just a little space in the life of her only child. Some "Oh, mom, I met a nice girl. We are sitting together in biology and on friday she will come to learn from me for the test." She wouldn't be one of those "embarrassing" mothers. She would be a "cool mom". She would bring them cakes, never make stupid coments, and she wouldn't leave the room's door wide open. At most slightly ajar.

But no. Evan decided to keep a secret. Meet the girl and don't talk about it.

She looked at the box again with such hate, as if she could burn it with her eyes and pretend it never existed. She don't understand why, but she would feel better knowing who is the other "user" of them. Or maybe not at all? Maybe she just tried to focus on something other than vision of Evan trying to calm a crying child.

Okay, Heidi, take it easy, analyze the facts. He certainly left some tips. No teenager is as good at hiding the truth as they thinks.

The whole problem was that Evan had nothing to hide. His social life was ... definitely less intense than most of his peers'. Basically it's been limited to Jared in recent years. It wasn't until half a year ago that a this classmate girl appeared. Alice? Alberta? Alana, yes, Alana! Just before the exams she came twice to help Evan with some departments he didn't understand. On the one hand, Heidi was happy that her son finally socializes a bit and maybe he disn't grow up to be a sociopath living alone. O teh other hand she felt the need to run a sensor of pride in the hope that it will eventually scare this nightmarish girl from her home. Thank God she didn't appear again, though Evan sometimes mentioned her.

Sometimes. In those extremely rare moments when he wasn't talking about Connor Murphy. Or when he wasn't in a hurry to meet Connor Murphy. Or when he wasn't staring intently at his phone, as if he were trying to dial a number using telekinesis. Who knows, it could even work, because usually after a few seconds the cell actually began to vibrate, and Evan jumped off the couch, rushed up the stairs and locked himself in his room. It was always Connor Murphy who's called.

In fact, the longer Heidi thought about it, the more she got the impression that she saw this boy absolutely everywhere and absolutely all the time. Not that she has anything against, really, though she couldn't hide that she'd be more happy to see her son in the company of someone whose jacket doesn't smell like marijuana and who doesn't seem to have grown permanently with one torn trousers. But she didn't whine, not even once. She was a "cool mom". Cool moms don't make such comments, they just calmly watch as the son loads into the front seat of the rickety car and only in spirit they pray that the hippie goth at the wheel have a driving license.

Heidi frowned.

And in the backseat of this driving casket usually sat... Zoe Murphy.

Heidi cursed under her breath over her own stupidity. How could she not have thought of it before? It explained absolutely everything! Their constant trips to town, all three of them, the ride to school, the fact that Connor seemed to hang around Evan much more often and closer than boys of their age usually do.

Connor was guarding his sister. Or rather - he was guarding Evan so he doesn't has the chance to be alone with Zoe. He was a strange brotherly version of the chaperon.

And apparently he was hopeless at it, which is a pity.

Somewhere below the door slammed and Heidi shuddered, snapped out of her thoughts. She jumped from the bed, looked around without knowing what she was looking for, for a moment shifted her weight from one leg to the other. She looked at the box - which she still clutched firmly in her han - trying to figure out what she should do. Put them back in place? She will never sleep peacefully again, it will torment her for weeks. Take it away without a word hoping that Evan will notice and start a conversation himself? She might as well expect to suddenly win the lottery. Without sending coupon. That left only one solution - confrontation. She was definitely not ready for this. It was comforting that Evan wasn't too. She still had a minimal advantage over him.

She took a deep breath, pushing her chair over and sat down facing the door. Immediately afterwards she changed to the bed. She wanted to rebuke her son lightly, not scare him to death.

"Mom?" Evan poked his head through the ajar door, clearly surprised by her presence. Not suprised like "Oh, thank you so much for cleaning my room! What did I do to deserved such a mother?" More like "Why do you always ignore "Do not disterbe" note? It's been hanging on the door for five years!"

"What are you doing here?"

Heidi tried very hard to keep her poker face.

"I'm cleaning up" she replied, while Evan dropped his backpack to the floor next to the desk and studied the empty counter with a face. As if he was already having a funeral in his soul for all the most important papers that his mother thought was rubbish.

"I could do it myself" he muttered, and Heidi struggled to keep from pointing out that he not only could, but actually should, because he was promising to do it for a good month.

Textbooks for parents said that you have to let the child throw in rubbish to the point that they start to notice the problem themselves, or they will be bitten by an alien life form grown on moldy sandwiches under the bed. Heidi really tried, but two days ago Evan took the last clean cup upstairs, and drinking coffee from the glass was slightly below her dignity.

She wondered if there was a textbook on what to do when you find a condom under the bed of a seventeen-year-old. And is it was even a little less utopian.

She didn't have time to think about it anymore, because Evan finally stopped controlling how many precious grains of dust had lost their lives with a cloth. He turned to her, probably saying something, but his eyes fell on the box in his mother's hand and he immediately froze with half-open mouth. He opened his eyes wide, paled, and then blushed, making a sound like a cross between a human screech and scratching fingernails on the blackboard.

Heidi felt a little bad about her satisfaction. She didn't want to be mean, really. She was just still angry and thought he deserved some stress, in the name of justice.

However, since she was a cool mom, she enjoyed it only for a short while, then patted the mattress by her side. It didn't surprise her at all that Evan didn't accept the offer, but at least noone could say that she didn't try.

"I found it under the bed," she said calmly, carefully watching her son.

Nothing. Silence. Zero reaction. Just that scared look. She waited a few more seconds, but the atmosphere only seemed to thicken, so she tried a different way.

"I didn't know you had a girlfriend."

Evan finally blinked. He looked at her with such astonishment, as if she had just asked if she would like to fly to Mars, then slowly sat down in the chair, leaning even slower and hiding his face in his hands. Only bright red ears protruded from under the bright hair. Heidi felt really sorry for him. Mother's heart was far too soft for any psychological games.

"Oh, honey, you know you can always tell me everything," she assured him honestly, although she knew perfectly well that he couldn't. She was once seventeen too. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just sorry you didn't tell me anything. Zoe is such a nice girl..."

Evan looked up, suddenly more surprised than embarrassed.

"Zoe?" He repeated, staring at his mother in disbelief.

Heidi smiled slightly.

"It wasn't hard to guess. Mothers always know."

In her mind, she congratulated herself on entering a higher level of manipulation. Evan didn't seem to appreciate thay, because he was still analyzing something intensively, but it didn't matter, because it was time for a frontal attack.

She leaned toward her son, squeezing his hand tightly.

"Honey, I want you to know that I really understand that. You are going through a very difficult stage now, your body is changing..."

"Jesus..." Evan gasped, looking down at the floor.

"You feel pressure or you are drawn to new things and would like to try everything "forbidden"..."

"I want to die" he muttered softly to his knees. Heidi decided to ignore him.

"But I want you to know that this is a very important moment in your life and you should focus on school. Besides, I think you know Zoe a little too short" she added before she could bite her tongue. Did she get petty? Was she really petty? "Maybe try to get to know and understand each other a little better before moving on to... the next stages. Maybe..."

The bell at the front door interrupted her just as she began to feel the role. She winced and tried to continue, but the sound repeated, this time longer and more insistent.

Evan immediately jumped from his chair, like a drowning men reach for the boat.

"It's Connor!" He shouted, stamping his bare feet on the stairs. "I invited him to dinner!"

Heidi sighed heavily. And that's it when it comes to serious conversation. Knowing Evan, he will now o everything in his power to never let it happen again.

Heidi got to her feet and dragged herself toward the door, from behind which she could already hear two familiar voices. She put the condoms in her pocket, taking them with her. Let it be her war trophy, at least.

* * *

Connor Murphy was a nice boy. He always said good morning to her, he made sure that when parking in front of their house he did not block the driveways of his neighbors, and recently he even began to look a bit neater. As if he finally came to a serious decision that, contrary to the deep sentences of not judging the book by its cover, people are mainly visual. Or as if he discovered an alley with soaps and shampoos in the market. But he still had something in that Heidi found iritating. And no, it wasn't weed scent. Not only that, at least.

There was simply something weird about the way he always hung around Evan. The way he looked at him. The way he talked to him. He even listened to him somehow... strangely. Heidi she associated that with very pious people who sit at the church in the first pew and drink every word from the priest's mouth. And not that she thought that her son's statements weren't important or wise, but still... Well, not so.

But he was Evan's friend (and his girlfriend's brother, let's not forget it), so although she was still angry with him for breaking an important step towards conscious parenthood, she poured boiling water over two teas, put cookies on a plate, and took a tray upstairs.

The door to Evan's room was closed, and since it was difficult to press the door handle with her hands busy, she was about to call for one of the boys to let her in, but suddenly she froze, hearing a laughter from inside. And then, soon, the whine of her child.

"Cooonnooor...! This isn't fun at all!"

Connor had to be of a different opinion, or just got a foolish attack because he clearly couldn't calm down. Heidi bit her lip. She always considered eavesdropping to be a very bad habit and a violation of someone else's privacy. On the other hand, a pack of condoms was still heavy in her pocket, maliciously reminding her that there was some sphere of her son's life that she has no idea about. And which will grow and grow, because there was no indication that Evan would open up to her.

So if there was an opportunity to learn at least some things, was there really something wrong with just taking advantage of it? Will one tap of the ear to the door suddenly make her a bad mother? She just needed something to calm her down. And maybe she was hoping that she would get to know her son a little, because he apparently disappeared from her sight at some point...

"Jesus, Ev!" Connor finally calmed down a bit, but he still giggled after almost every word. "Why didn't you just tell her the truth?"

"I couldn't! That would kill her!" Evan moaned so dramatically that Heidi instinctively looked more closely at herself, checking to see if she wasn't actually dead.

"Nah. She knows first aid, she would manage."

"Connor! Not all parents are as understanding as yours."

Heidi felt hurt. She wasn't understanding? Her whole life was about being undderstanding! Sometimes she had the impression that she was doing nothing but patiently enduring everything that fate would throw at her.

"My parents aren't understandig" Connor snorted, which calmed her a bit. Apparently all the children were just damn ungrateful, not just her's. That's kinda comforting. "It's just, the more I go on dates, the less time I have to smoke in their home and hang out with strange people. Seriously, Ev, if I told them that watching football is good for my mental healt, they would buy out the whole team and arrange the pitch in our garden. They just want to have peace of mind."

"They just care."

"Well, maybe. Your mother does, for sure” Connor said, and for the first time Heidi felt a sudden surge of liking for him. Yes, thank you, completely strange teenager, nice that someone finally noticed it. "And you'll have to tell her someday"

The room fell silent for a moment.

"Evan? You're going to tell her, yes?" There was a shadow of panic in his voice. "Someday? More sooner than later? Right?"

Evan sighed heavily.

"Actually, I thought that maybe if I get to college next year, she probably will be so overwhelmed if I won't get lost or die of hunger or fall down, hit my head in the cupboard and bleed to death because nobody will find me, because I will not have any friends that... You know... Such a little thing won't matter to her"

"Wow." Heidi didn't have to see him to know what face Connor had just made. The tone of voice alone was sufficient for this. "I'm a "little thing" now."

"You know that's not what I mean!"

"Evan." Connor suddenly sounded very serious. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Connor, please..."

"Why did the chicken crossed the road, Evan."

The boy took a deep breath.

"Becouse he didn't want to be a chicken anymore?"

"Exactly. Don't be a chicken, Ev. Cross the road"

Heidi waited a few more seconds, hoping to hear something more, but the room was completely quiet. Apparently the topic, no matter how weird, just stopped. And she took all the great nothing out of this conversation. Perhaps, apart from the growing guilt, she took it from the wrong side. If Evan caught her eavesdropping, he would probably lose all trust in her. And, to some extent, he would be right. She did it because she was worried about him, but it didn't give her the right to pull things out of him by force or trickery.

Guess she just... had to accept that sometimes she doesn't know something. No matter how terribly it sounds.

She took a deep breath, smiled, trying to pretend that nothing had happened, and, putting the tray down on the table under the mirror, pressed the door handle. She poked her head through the half-open door and was about to ask if they wanted to eat something before dinner, but her voice stuck in her throat.

Evan was sitting on the edge of the bed, exactly where Heidi was half an hour ago, but unlike her, he didn't look like he was deeply thinking about his life failures. In fact, it could be quite the opposite, considering that Connor was crouched opposite him, with one hand on his thigh, the other in his hair and with his lips... on his lips.

Connor Murphy kissed her son. And Evan was very enthusiastic about it.

Connor Murphy, whom she just recognized as "a strange brotherly version of the chaperon".

She felt like she was suddenly in water, terribly cold and dark, and she couldn't even remember which way to swim to get to the surface.

Connor Murphy, who wasn't "little thing".

Connor Murphy, who was worried about the future.

Connor Murphy, who wanted Evan to tell the truth.

She felt something twist in her stomach. Evan wasn't dating Zoe. He didn't go out with any girls. Evan has a boyfriend.

They were too busy to see her at all, so she slowly slid to the hall, closing the door as quiet as possible. Still on the autopilot, she went down the stairs, pulled a marinated roast from the fridge, and carefully moved it into a heat-resistant dish, which she then slid into a preheated oven.

Evan has a boyfriend.

She took a pot out of the cabinet, put a sack of potatoes on the table, and began to peel them systematically one by one. Her hands were shaking, so the potatoes came out very angular, and at the sight of peelings her own mother would wring her hands. "You could feed the whole army with it! For a week!". She decided to make fries out of them.

Evan has a boyfriend.

She poured water over the potatoes, set the pot on the plate and stared at it for a while in silence, until the steam began to condense on the lid.

Evan has a boyfriend.

And he didn't want her to know.


	2. Her big boy

Heidi has a bad day.

More precisely, the whole past week has been bad, but Mondays have had something in it that always irritated her. And this one hit her really hard.

The discovery that your teenage son had sex was definitely not the most enjoyable experience. However, finding out who's his chosen one... Oh, that's a whole new level of destruction. She would type it somewhere between the categories of "catastrophe I should have foreseen" and "I want to pluck my eyes." Not just because Evan apparently liked boys too. Or just boys. Or he just had a strange fetish of leather jackets that smelled like weed. Heidi didn't judge and none of these versions seemed inappropriate to her. Although she would rather not hear too much about the last one.

The problem was Evan didn't tell her anything. Worst! Evan didn't _want_ to tell her anything! He preferred to let her torment him with a lecture on sex with Zoe Murphy than to admit that Connor was more than just a friend to him.

And Heidi gave him no reason to do so! Have she ever made any homophobic comments? Commented on Pride Marches? Voted for Republicans? No! Never! She wasn't even particularly religious, damn it!

She put the tray on the table with enough force to make the medicine cups on it shook. The teenager occupying the bed under the window flinched, glancing at her in surprise, but immediately looked at the colored tablets and capsules. Heidi cursed in her mind. She shouldn't transfer frustration to work. And especially in the presence of young patients with strange trauma of taking medicine.

She forced a smile.

"It's just some vitamins" she explained, handing him the cup and watching him shake it suspiciously. "We need to make sure we release you in good condition."

He nodded, took a deep breath and obediently swallowed the medication as if he expected it to explode in his mouth. Or that some strange creature will come out of them, or whatever happened in modern horrors. Immediately she felt happier with the thought that Evan had never liked computer games. Than, however, she remembered that Evan was a small, ungrateful traitor who concealing the fact of having a boyfriend and she stopped smiling.

She definitely needed something to think about.

"So" she said, checking the drip hanging from the rack. "Your boyfriend didn't come today?"

This time she barely refrained from cursing. She shouldn't have said that. She shouldn't interfere with the private life of patients, especially in such a delicate theme. But she was stressed and couldn't stop thinking about things like that, and besides, what secret it was if all the staff gossiping about? Everyone said that they looked cute and how sweet they were that they looked after each other so much. They themselves weren't particularly subtle, because at least three times she caught Michael trying to survive the evening rounds under the bed and she listened to assurances that he would not disturb anyone and could sleep on the floor and why wouldn't they just let him stay here?

Jeremy blushed.

"Michael's not..."

And Heidi needed exactly that much to lose control.

"Oh damn it!" She snapped, leaving the drip alone and taking her sideways, looking at the teenager reproachfully. "Do all guys have such trouble admitting it? What's wrong with all of you? Have at least some courage! Teens!" She snorted, almost tearing the plastic cup out of his hand and throwing it back into the tray.

He just stared at her for a few seconds, eyes wide open and mouth parted.

"I was going to say, Michael's not coming today...?" He finally said in a tone as if he wasn't sure if he would get a cup on his head for a wrong answer. Or the whole tray.

Heidi immediately felt like a idiot. And she didn't like to feel that way.

"Oh," she said, suddenly very interested in the floor tiles. She'll have to tell someone they're unwashed. "Yes, that's... I'm sorry."

"No worries. Recently I miss someone who would constantly yell at me and say that I screwed up." He smiled slightly, but it was difficult to assess how much he was joking and how serious he was. "Um, Mrs. Hansen? Are you all right?"

No, she wasn't. Evan sent her a text that they were going to some orchardr with Connor and Heidi couldn't stop thinking about what they could do there, and the more she thought about it, the more angry she was. On herself, that she was trying to interfere in the privacy of her son, and on him - that he didn't want to be honest with her. She just wanted to live the illusion again, that he would say absolutely everything to her and there's nothing to worry about.

She was almost certain that it was slowly beginning to bend and it was close enough for Evan to pack the bag and bolt out the window. Although she had good intentions. She started in small steps, by buying a movie, making popcorn and taking a free evening, to spend time at home for the first time in a long time. But then Evan went down tapping something on the phone, glanced at the television and before Heidi could speak at all, he let out the fastest stream of words she had ever heard. It wasn't until he grabbed the sneakers and left the house that she realized that he probably was talking about dinner at Murphy's, but it didn't matter anymore. He could even explain himself by a secret mission commissioned by the government - it wouldn't change the fact that he simply shame her. She watched the movie by herself and okay maybe "Brokeback mountain" is not such a good choice if you want to convince a shy teenager to do an coming out. Next time she'll just ask in some online forum.

The next attempt was more thoughtful. Evan ate breakfast waiting for his boyfriend (Heidi still wanted to howl whenever she thought about it) and had nowhere to run.

"I met Mrs. Anderson yesterday" she said cheerfully, pouring coffee. "Do you remember her, honey?"

"Mhm" Evan nodded, his mouth full of toast. Though he couldn't really remember because Heidi had invented Mrs. Anderson exactly three seconds earlier.

"Her daughter is a little older than you. A very nice girl” she continued, pouring two teaspoons of sugar into the cup and mixing thoroughly. "She came to visit from college. With her girlfriend."

Evan choked and coughed over his plate, then immediately looked at her with sudden terror over a mountain of toast and jam.

"It's... Um... Mhm. Aha." He stammered, staring at the plate.

"I think that's very brave of her." Heidi was caught up in her own game, pleased with the effect. "It's very important to be able to be yourself so... openly, don't you think?" She ignored the long "ummm". "There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, right? Having a girlfriend. Or boyfriend."

Evan mumbled something that could have been everything, but certainly not "Thank you mom for telling me this, I feel more confident with my sexuality right away. Maybe you would like to officially meet my boyfriend?"

And then he reached for a glass of juice and without looking at his mother began to slurp as slowly as possible.

Heidi pursed her lips. She raised a damn coward.

"We need to think about renovation" she murmured, getting up from the table and putting the coffee almost intact in the sink. The pressure was already raised. "You need a new closet."

Evan stopped trying to not-exist for a moment.

"Is something wrong with the old one?"

"You don't fit in it anymore" she snorted, leaving the kitchen without glancing at him.

Okay, when she was thinking about it now, maybe it wasn't very mature. But hey, at some point even a saint would lose his patience!

She shook her head. It was not a good time to ponder all this. She was at work, she has to be nice, smiling and keep at least a little empathy and love for the world.

Jeremy was still looking at her uncertainly.

"When you work twelve hours a day, sometimes your brain just... crack a bit." She explained patiently, with only a slight pain and regret over the overall existence. "Remember, school is important. Enjoy it while you can."

Jeremy looked at her as if he were beginning to regret that he had taken any medicine from her.

"You know how to call me if something happens" She reminded him of the boy and walked toward the door, trying very hard not to run.

There was a small chance that if she tried hard, she would find time to eat a sandwich today, and she really wanted it to happen.

* * *

She returned home shortly after midnight, tired and still without any plan. She hung up her coat, slipped off her shoes, and barefooted, as quiet as she could, she climbed the stairs to avoid waking Evan. At least she hoped he was already asleep. Alone. In my own bed. She relaxed a little, seeing that the door to his room was ajar, and a bright light filtered through the crack. He was awake, but at least the other two points were met, and these were the most important.

She took a step toward the room to remind her son that the middle of the week isn't really a good time to organize movie marathons or what he actually do on the Internet, when she suddenly heard a familiar, damn unpleasant sound. She froze. The sound repeated.

Evan was crying.

Well, maybe it was a bit exaggerated. He seam to sticking to the safe line between sobbing and sniffing, but Heidi didn't really feel much difference. Mother's instincts got on and she ran to help her only child completely forgetting about fatigue. But once again something stopped her.

"H-Hey, it's me..." She heard from behind the door and she froze with her hand on the door handle. "I'm sorry, I know it's late, I woke you up? Sorry. I just wanted... I needed to hear you. Mhm. No, it's okay, just... Could you talk to me for a moment?" Evan blew his nose loudly, and Heidi realized he was probably talking to someone on the phone. Evan, her son Evan, who was even ashamed of showing affection to her, called someone in the middle of the night for comfort. And apparently he found it. "Mom will be back soon," he answered a question Heidi would love to hear. And then... he laughed. Somewhat plaintively, but still! "You can't just come here at this time. Connor, I have a room upstairs. No, you _can't_, don't try.Mhm. I know you could." His voice suddenly became strangely soft and warm. "I want to see you too..."

Heidi moved away from the door. She definitely didn't want to hear the next part. Not because she thought there was something wrongabout this whole conversation. It just suddenly seemed damn intimate, maybe even more than a pack of condoms pulled out from under the bed. Evan can sleep with almost anyone. But the tone he used to Connor's name and how quickly he calmed down only when he heard his voice, the fact that he had just called him and apparently he wasn't afraid that he might be reprimanded...

Heidi always has the silent hope that her boyfriend would find someone so special.

And if it had to be Connor Murphy... well, she'll have to get used to it. Somehow.

* * *

Heidi's life began to slowly return to normal. If "normal" mean constant conviction that apparently in the eyes of your own child you're a potential homophobe or a Republicana or justcaricature of a parent that isn't worth trusting. But hey, as long as said child was happy, a good mother was ready to swallow a bitter pill and just enjoy it, right?

Heidi tried very hard to be good. She tried not to press, not to make bitter remarks or strange faces whenever Evan innocently asked if Connor could stay a night when she work late. What was she supposed to say? Did she have anything to say about it? In any case?

On the other hand, all the frustration drained from her when she saw how serene Evan became in the presence of his boyfriend. How relaxed he is, how often he laughs, how he talks freely with another human being and, in addition, he does so with a smile and wild enthusiasm. He became a little bolder and even started ordering food online! It was only when Connor was there, but even that was some kind of progress.

Heidi really enjoyed each of these little things. At the same time, however, she was just simply sorry that she wasn't part of them.

And then, when she was already beginning to deal with it (in pain and bitterness)... everything exploded.

It exploded very loudly. Just as loud as the front door slammed, and then a pair of shoes banged on the stairs.

"Evan!" Heidi stuck her head out of the kitchen, because literally three seconds ago she put down the mop and didn't plane to wash the floor a second time. "Shoes!"

There was no answer except for the next door slamming against the door frame. She frowned. Evan wasn't the type of teenager who hurt inanimate objects manifesting everywhere the attack of teenage hormones. He was a boy who apologizes the table for bumping into it. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

She set down the board with the carrots, wiped her wet hands on a cloth and followed her child, trying to ignore the worst thoughts.

She knocked on the door but a deaf silence answered her.

"Evan?" She tried again for goodness, waited for five seconds, then opened the door and entered the room ready to take on the whole litany of "don't you ever knock?!". Nothing like this happened.

Evan, lying on the bed on his stomach, his face hidden in the pillow, didn't even flinch. Or maybe he did it, but it couldn't be seen, because he was shaking with silent crying.

Heidi immediately forgot about the floor, shoes and any other accusations.

"Honey" she sighed heavily sitting next to him and carefully placing her hand on his back. "What happened?"

Evan just shook his head. Or he wiped his nose on the pillow. It was hard to judge.

Heidi sighed again silently stroking her son on the back, waiting for him to calm down a bit. When the slurping nose joined the loud, greedy breaths, she dared to try again.

"You had an argument with Connor" she assessed more than she asked, because some things are unchanged regardless of generational differences.

Evan froze for a moment, sniffed once, twice, three times, until he slowly rose to his seat, wiping his face with his sleeve.

"How did you know?" He mumbled, staring at the fresh muddy stains on the sheets.

Heidi tried to pretend that she wasn't already started the washing machine in her mind.

"Mothers know"

Evan raised an eyebrow.

"Last time you said that, you thought I was sleeping with Zoe."

Heidi had a great desire to hit him with good, old fashion and tested "Watch your tone, young boy".

"I know better now" she grumbled but softened at once, reaching out to brush the boy's hair from his forehead. "I also know Connor is your boyfriend."

To her surprise, Evan was clearly not impressed.

"I know you know"

"You do?" She was surprised and immediately became even more eager for a well-deserved hit, because really, he knew and just let her bother with it?

"Mhm. You wanted to watch Brokeback mountain with me. It wasn't subtle."

She grumbled, as if they had changed age.

"It didn't work when I was subtle."

Evan shook his head, swallowed hard, took a deep breath, looked her straight in the eyes... then hanging his head again.

"That's not right" he informed his shoes. "I just... I didn't know how you would react." His hands gripped the edge of the shirt, crumpling it, wringing it and winding it on his fingers. "Not that I'm gay" he added quickly, as if he was afraid Heidi would be offended. And rightly so, because she actually was. "Connor is just... People sometimes... don't like him."

Heidi had to bite her tongue hard to not say that she wasn't surprised at all.

"I can imagine" she said instead and it really was the peak of her ability to look for euphemisms. "But he's a nice boy."

A very, very strange but nice boy ...

Evan blushed and wiped his cheeks again with his sleeve to hide it but Heidi noticed he was smiling anyway. In this very, very specific way that only idiotic teenagers in love can smile. As if he didn't want to admit it but at the same time every part of him shouted "Okay, I give up, you have me".

"Mhm," he muttered, still feeding the T-shirt, but this time in some new, completely different way. Heidi involuntarily remembered her schoolmates, winding her hair on her fingers whenever boys appeared nearby. "I wasn't sure if you saw it too. I was afraid you'd mind, and I didn't want Connor to think that..." he hesitated, suddenly clearly saddened "that there's another person who hate him."

Heidi was torn between wanting to roll her eyes and showing proper support.

"Oh, Evan... Teens can be cruel" And also annoying, petty and definitely too much interested in this one boy who they know that you can't live without, right now, Judy, you damn cow...? "But I'm sure nobody really hates anyone."

They just despises, she added in her mind.

Evan just shook his head.

"Connor hates himself." He sighed and Heidi felt a sudden wave of remorse. Here she was sitting, morals about teenage meanness, as if a second earlier in her mind she hadn't hammered the spear of a boy she barely knew. And who apparently was very important to her boy.

She will have to work on it. Or at least learn to think very, very quietly.

"He's a really good boy," she repeated more firmly this time. Ultimately, Connor made Evan happy, and anything that made her child happy couldn't be bad. "I'm just a little surprised. You are so..." for a moment she was looking for the mildest term possible. "...different."

Evan didn't answer right away. In fact, he looked like he wasn't going to answer at all, as if he sank into his own thoughts and emotions so deeply that he completely forgot about reality.

"Not really" he finally said, when Heidi was already considering whether she should leave him alone for a moment. "We're not different at all. Connor..." He took a deep breath and looked up, really looking into her eyes for the first time. He had something in his eyes that made Heidi shiver, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to hear it anymore. But she knew perfectly well that she had to. Because Evan has to get it out of himself. "It's Connor who found me in the park tat day. He drove me to the hospital."

She frowned, confused.

"But you said that..."

"I know. B-becouse... Because I didn't want him to be in trouble. He asked me not to tell anyone."

Heidi smiled, trying to slightly loosen the atmosphere, though all the signs in Heaven and Earth suggested that it would be usless.

"Honey, you can't get in trouble for helping someone."

"But Connor would" he assured with worrying seriousness. "Because he would have to explain why he came there and what he wanted to do and... And..."

Heidi didn't want to ask. She didn't want to know. Despite this, she slowly put her hand on his knee.

"What did Connor want to do?" She asked gently, watching with growing pain as Evan pressed his lips together and paled and his eyes get wet again.

He swallowed hard and his hands twitched uneasily. Heidi was almost certain that she would begin to feed her shirt again, but instead, with a firm, almost angerful motion, he folded the fingers of his hands, placing them on his lap.

"He took the tablets from home. And alcohol. He wanted..." His voice broke. "W-wanted to kill himself..." His breath accelerated, turning into a sob. His hands clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white. "He wanted..."

Heidi felt as if someone had hit her with something very heavy. In the head, first on one side, then on the other, as if to to stun her first, and then sobering her, exposing him to this whole nightmare.

"Oh my God..." she whispered, almost unknowingly putting a hand to her mouth. "Do his... his parents know about this?" She asked, but Evan just shook his head, clearly torn between the need to release all his emotions and the desire to hide them. He stooped, his face reddened, tears welled out of his eyes, and before Heidi could say anything else, he began to cry again. So there was nothing left for her to do but pull him and hug him, letting him cling to her sweater as if it was the only thing kepting him sane. "Shhh, now, calm down." She rocked him gently, stroking his back, desperately combing her memory in search of some wise sentence in the guidebook that could somehow fix everything. "It's okay..."

And then suddenly a thought, so terrible and cruel, struck her and she couldn't catch her breath for a moment.

_"We're not different at all."_

Connor Murphy tried to kill himself.

_"We're not different."_

Connor tried...

"Evan" she whispered, but her voice was stuck in her throat. Over his shoulder she looked at her own hands. Not long ago, she could embrace him with one hand. "Evan, did you... too, then..."

Evan didn't answer. He didn't have to. And Heidi didn't have to ask anymore.

She just hugged him tighter and held him in her arms to make sure that he was still here, that he was with her, that she hadn't lost him that day, the next or any other day. That he is safe and sound and is not going anywhere. She ran a hand through his hair and kissed the top of his head. She felt his heart beating, heard his tearful breath.

There he was.

Once when he was five years old, he got lost in a supermarket while shopnce. Heidi let him out of her sight literally for a second, and when she turned away he was nowhere to be seen. She ran between the alleys; next to the sweets he had asked for, the toys he had just seen, the shirts she had tried to put on him, but although she felt his presence everywhere, he was nowhere to be found. Terrified, she asked the security guard for help, and by then two people were urging the boy until he was safe in her arms again.

When a small, cheerful boy grew into a much less cheerful teenager, Heidi did exactly the same - she found the right specialist. Someone who knows this better than her, who can help, with whom it will be easier. Becouse even if Evan was physically next to him, he seemed distant and inaccessible, like a cluster of memories in store alleys.

Perhaps at some point he stopped understanding it. Perhaps he thought he was a burden to her, which she was passing it on to someone else with a reliev.

But Heidi never stopped looking for him.

Her little boy who adored comics, ceiling stars and trucks.

Her big boy who love trees, books and Connor Murphy.


	3. Her boys

It wasn't a good time for serious talks. They were both too tired, irritable and emotionally shaken to gather for another effort. Evan, though he slowly began to calm down, still cuddled up to her and apparently decided that he would fall asleep, because he seemed less and less often to remember that he should open his eyes after blinking. Heidi rested her chin on top of her head and although her heart sliced every time she heard shallow, torn breath, at the same time she felt strange... good. Calmly. She found him and that was the most important thing. Now it will be different. Easier. They have a long, long way to go, but it doesn't matter, because she finally felt that her actions had any sense.

Evan finally trusted her. She wasn't going to waste it.

Now, however, they needed above all a bit of normality.

"So?" She asked, stepping back slightly, but still embracing him with one arm. "How long it is? You and Connor I mean."

At first Evan seemed a bit surprised, but then he smiled, slightly relaxing his arms. He was clearly relieved that she wasn't going to immediately confront him with all this nightmare.

"Three months" he replied, blushing slightly, and now he not only did he looked but also sounded like a teenager in love. The way he lowered his eyes, the soft tone of his voice, fingers grazing his shirt ...

Heidi would be deeply affectionate if she wasn't so annoyed at the same time.

Three months! Three! And to think that she always considered herself damn perceptive...

"I can't believe I didn't notice anything," she murmured, but Evan just shook his head.

"Don't worry, neither did I" he comforted her, and then blushed even more. "I mean, at the beginning. It came out... a bit unexpectedly? I liked him before, very much, but I thought he didn't think about me that way, so I didn't say anything. And he probably tried to give some signs but I'm not very good at guessing? And then we went to the orchard, but it started raining, so we sat in the car and talked about random things and suddenly Connor said that he always wanted to kiss someone in the car. And that it should be in his dad's car, but any other can be too. And I thought it was a very strange thing to just talk about it, but I didn't want him to feel bad, so I just said something like "Oh, okay" and _he took it as "go ahead"_ and..." He paused, probably realizing that he said too much, because he immediately blushed. "And, um... It just... happened."

Heidi shook her head.

"Remind me to never ever lend you my car."

Evan buried his face in his hands and groaned. Heidi patted him on the shoulder, because hey, she was a cool mom, right?

"What did you argue about?"

The boy slowly, very slowly, lowered his hands, but still stared at them, pursing his lips.

"Connor thinks I don't think about him seriously" he finally muttered, simultaneously with anger, regret and such deep sadness, as if talking about it was a blow. Very unexpected and undeserved.

Heidi frowned. Here is a great moment, time for knowledge derived from wise books of wise people to be useful. In her head she repeated all the texts about teenage love and making life decisions in a difficult adolescence. And then immediately pushed them all aside. The guides obviously didn't work on Evan. Maybe he was just too smart for them.

"And do you?" She simply asked, moving so that she could look into his face, folding her legs in Turkish. For a moment she felt a bit like a pajama party. All that was missing was her friends with whom she could giggle until three in the morning. Although, with Evan, apparently, she could also gossip about the boys too...

"Of course I do!" he said, glancing at her with such resentment that she raised her hands to show that she hadn't meant anything wrong. "I told him I do. I keep telling him this all the time. Do we really need to constantly talk about college for him to believe me?"

"College is quite a good topic..." she noted.

Evan pouted.

"Yes, but...! I just... I just don't like to think about it all, okay? About all this" he shook his hand in the air "future things. Why should I do this? Connor..." He sighed heavily, brushing his hair from his forehead with evident frustration. "Connor can do anything. He's smart and clever and so damn capable and if he starts to apply something, his grades immediately jump up and the teachers has already stopped complaining about him, because he finally goes to class and has homework and it's well done, which is, well, wow, three things that have never happened before. At once. His parents can send him absolutely everywhere, he can apply absolutely anywhere, and... And here I am." He shrugged. "I don't even know what I want to do with myself."

Heidi drew in a loud breath, held it for a moment, then let it out slowly.

"You can do absolutely everything you want." God know that she was ready to stand on her head to keep her word. Even if she was to be forced to work til she get sick of it and die.

Evan's lips thinned.

"But I want Connor" he murmured softly, which was definitely a dishonest act, because how was she supposed to answer that? She had just found evidence of how much the two wanted each other under his bed, she really didn't need a reminder.

Even so, she put her hand on his knee, smiling to cheer him up.

"So you have him."

He shruged.

"For now, maybe. Because he still can't see that he's so damn great. But eventually he will realize this and understand how much he can afford. And then ho will look at me and..." He clenched his fists. "Well, find the mismatched element."

Heidi was silent for a long moment. Not because she had nothing to say. She just had to shout out all her frustration first. At some point, she had to screw up the upbringing process very much, if her child insisted on repeating "Jup, I am totally useless" looking in the mirror.

She made a note in her mind to talk to him about it at the earliest opportunity. Then she focused on just a little more pressing problem.

"Evan" she began in a calm, serious tone. "Are you sure, absolutely sure Connor knows you care about him?"

"Um..." He looked very confused at both the question and her stern expression. Maybe he was even a bit scared. Oh well. "I-I think so?"

"And how does he know that?"

"Because I keep telling him?" He frowned. "Like, all the time? I said I _love_ him, what else can I..."

He paused, blushing again, and Heidi cursed in her mind. Three months, sex and love confessions. Fuck, how could she miss it?!

"And what did Connor say to that?"

"That, um..." He looked everywhere but at her. "That he loves me too?"

"Mhm. So why don't you believe him?"

Evan opened his mouth to answer, but closed it immediately. He opened it again and again decided to remain silent. He was clearly analyzing something, Heidi could practically see and hear his brain working at full speed, connecting threads. She wanted to roll her eyes. Teens.

Before Evan finished the complicated thought process, his cell phone rang somewhere around the pillow. He immediately launched a pike at it, and Heidi thought that if he were equally passionate and energetic about studying, he would be at Harvard now.

"It's Connor," he almost whispered breathlessly, with a strange mix of terror and reverent worship. "He want to meet."

She raised her eyebrows.

"And you want to?"

"He'sat the door" he added, ignoring the question. He probably didn't hear him at all. "Um, can I...?"

Heidi sighed inwardly. As if she could actually forbid them anything. Well, maybe if she locked her son in a room and boarded the window...

"I'll go let him in" she said, leaning over to kiss his hair for the last time. "Wash your face and take your shoes off."

He smiled at her, grabbing her wrist when she wanted to get up.

"Mom?" He said softly, uncertainly even. "Thanks."

And oh.

_Oh_.

She remembered the moment she found him crying in one of the alleys of the supermarket. Never again did she feel such relief and joy. Until now.

* * *

Connor Murphy stood on the threshold, stepping nervously from foot to foot. His face was pale, his eyes red, and there was some dark streaks on his cheeks of what had once been an eyeliner. When Heidi opened the door, he looked at her with fear as if she were Cerberus guarding the passage. In some ways it gave her satisfaction, but she had no heart to torment him.

"Upstairs" she said simply, and when he was passing her, almost running, she noticed that he hadn't put on that nightmare jacket. Instead, he was wearing a suspiciously familiar green sweatshirt.

Another mental note - sniff everything before closing the washing machine.

And put the car keys in a place that is hard to reach. Just in case...

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how English punctuation works and it drives me crazy.


End file.
